📌Praise That Nurtures True Self-Esteem
Many parents believe that telling their child “You are so smart!” is one of the best ways to motivate them. It sounds positive and encouraging, and who wouldn’t want to boost their child’s confidence? However, this kind of praise can sometimes have unintended consequences. In this course, I learned that praising fixed traits such as intelligence or talent may actually limit a child’s motivation and increase their fear of failure. When children hear only this type of praise, they often become afraid to take on challenges because they want to protect the image of being “smart.” They worry that if they fail, they will lose the approval of others or even their own self-worth.
Research shows that children who are praised for their effort and perseverance develop greater resilience and a stronger, more genuine sense of self. In the NBC News video True Grit: Can You Teach Children Character? researchers explain that children who demonstrate grit are those who understand that effort is the true path to success. Grit is the passion and perseverance to keep going even when things get hard. It teaches children to appreciate the process of learning and growing, rather than focusing solely on the outcome or final result.
One practical way to encourage this mindset is through descriptive praise. This means focusing your words on what the child actually did and how they did it, rather than giving vague compliments. For example, instead of saying “What a beautiful drawing!” which is a general compliment, you might say “I noticed how carefully you blended the colors together and took your time.” This kind of praise helps children focus on their actions and effort. It encourages them to value their own hard work and progress rather than relying only on being told they are smart or talented. It shifts their motivation from seeking approval to appreciating their own growth.
Appreciative praise is another powerful tool. This type of praise expresses gratitude and acknowledges positive behavior or attitude. For example, you could say, “Thank you for helping clean up your toys without being asked, it really helped me out.” This shows children that their good behavior is noticed and appreciated. When kids feel their efforts are truly valued, they are more likely to continue acting responsibly and kindly. Appreciative praise fosters a sense of connection and mutual respect between parents and children.
This approach is closely connected to the concept of growth mindset, a term popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck. Children with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can improve through effort, practice, and learning. They see challenges as opportunities to grow instead of threats to their self-esteem. Descriptive and appreciative praise helps develop this mindset by highlighting effort, strategies, and positive behaviors instead of fixed traits. This mindset not only improves motivation but also helps children recover from setbacks more easily and maintain a positive attitude toward learning throughout life.
It is important to be mindful that too much praise or praising the wrong things can have negative effects. The article Are We Spoiling Our Kids With Too Much Praise? explains how excessive or superficial praise can make children overly dependent on external validation. When kids expect praise all the time or only feel good when others recognize them, they can lose sight of their own internal motivations. This may lead to problems with self-esteem later on because their confidence is fragile and tied only to others’ approval.
Parents can avoid these pitfalls by combining descriptive and appreciative praise. This balanced approach nurtures genuine self-esteem in children. They learn to understand and value their own efforts and contributions without feeling pressured to meet external expectations. As a result, they build real confidence, resilience, and a growth mindset, all essential skills not just for school but for life.
Here are some practical examples you can try: Instead of just saying “Good job!” when your child finishes homework, you could say, “I saw how carefully you checked your answers and didn’t give up even when the problems were tricky.” When your child helps a sibling, instead of just “Thank you,” try “I really appreciate how patient and kind you were helping your brother with his reading. That made a big difference.”
Try to make your praise as specific as possible and focus on the effort, strategies, or positive attitude your child showed. This helps them internalize the reasons behind their success and builds their motivation from the inside out.
If you want to take it a step further, encourage your child to reflect on their own efforts by asking questions like, “What part of this project did you enjoy the most?” or “How did you solve that problem when it was difficult?” These questions reinforce their awareness of their own learning process and help develop metacognition, the ability to think about thinking, which is vital for lifelong learning.
Another important point is to praise small steps and progress, not just big achievements. Celebrating incremental effort keeps children motivated to continue improving without feeling overwhelmed or pressured. It also teaches them that success is a journey made up of many smaller actions.
Finally, remember that tone and sincerity matter. Children are quick to notice when praise feels forced or generic. Genuine praise that comes from a place of real observation and appreciation has the most impact. It strengthens the parent-child bond and creates a positive, supportive environment where children feel safe to take risks and learn from mistakes.
So, next time your child shares their art project, completes a difficult task, or shows kindness, try using praise that describes exactly what you see and shows appreciation for their hard work. Your words can help them develop a lifelong love of learning, a growth mindset, and real self-esteem. 🎨✨
🎯 Challenge for parents: For the next week, notice one specific thing your child does well every day and praise it with descriptive and appreciative language. See how this simple habit can change your child’s attitude toward challenges and effort.
🔗 Recommended external resource:
Carol Dweck’s growth mindset website: https://www.mindsetworks.c
📖 APA Citations:
NBC News. (2012). True grit: Can you teach children character? [Video]. NBC News. https://www.nbcnews.com/video/true-grit-can-you-teach-children-character-44432451969
JSTOR Daily. (2018). Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise? https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise
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