馃搶 Parenting with Connection, Not Control

 Parenting with Connection, Not Control

Many parents believe that being a good parent means having authority, setting strict rules, and punishing children when they do not obey. This belief is common because discipline is often confused with control. However, one of the most important lessons I learned in this course is that effective parenting is not about controlling behavior, but about building strong emotional connections with our children. When children feel connected to their parents through respect and empathy, cooperation comes naturally. 馃挒

When a child feels truly seen, heard, and understood, they are more likely to cooperate; not because they are afraid of punishment, but because they value their relationship with their parents. The National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM) emphasizes that parenting should focus on relationships filled with warmth, respect, and positive communication. This means that instead of only setting rules, parents should learn to truly listen to their children’s emotions and experiences.

馃幆 Why Bribes Don't Work

Instead of using punishments or bribes to get children to comply, parents can use positive discipline strategies that teach and guide. For example, Dr. Steve Dennis explains in his article What’s the Problem with Bribes? that while bribes may bring short-term obedience, they do not help children learn long-term values or develop internal motivation. A bribe teaches kids to do something to get something, rather than to act from understanding or care.

馃搳 Bribes vs. Authentic Rewards

馃攳 Concept馃毇 Bribes✅ Authentic Rewards
PurposeTemporary obedienceReinforce internal values
Connection to behaviorExternal and unrelatedInternal and directly linked
Long-term impact  Encourages dependencyBuilds lasting self-motivation
Example"Clean your room and get candy"    "How did you feel organizing your space?"


This simple visual helps clarify for parents the key difference between a bribe and a meaningful reward.

馃挕 Core Principles from Dr. Dennis

馃敼 Redirect to intrinsic value
Instead of focusing only on the reward, guide children to recognize the value in what they are doing. If your child finishes a painting, rather than just saying “Good job,” ask, “What part of this are you most proud of?” This helps them reflect and feel ownership.

馃敼 Avoid overshadowing the real reason
Large rewards can lead kids to focus on what they get rather than what they did. Instead, small tokens like a sticker or hug can express appreciation without replacing the genuine joy of doing something kind or creative.

馃敼 ⏱️ Timing matters
Promising rewards beforehand (“If you do this, you’ll get that”) can feel manipulative. Spontaneously offering appreciation afterward; for example, “You were so thoughtful today. Let’s celebrate with your favorite snack!" Feels sincere and reinforces internal motivation.

馃敼 Consider age and maturity
Young children may benefit from small external encouragements as they form habits. But over time, parents should help them connect to the internal value behind their actions.

馃敼 The best rewards aren’t things
Our culture often focuses on material rewards like toys or money. However, shared time, praise, or learning opportunities can be far more meaningful. Instead of saying, “I’ll buy you a toy if you’re good,” try, “Let’s bake together as a thank-you for helping around the house.”

馃搱 Parenting Style and Internal Motivation

馃攳 Based on principles discussed in course readings and Dr. Dennis’ article (illustrative purposes)

This table gives a clear picture of how parenting style affects a child’s long-term motivation.

The goal of parenting is not just obedience. It's to raise kids who understand why their actions matter, who choose to be kind or responsible because they want to; not because someone offered them a cookie or threatened a timeout. Parenting with connection means being present, respectful, and focused on helping children grow emotionally and morally. 馃挰

When parents lead with empathy and focus on connection rather than control, children become more confident, responsible, and compassionate. This approach doesn’t just change behavior; it builds character. 馃尡



馃敆 Recommended Resource

Center for Parenting Education. (n.d.). Discipline vs. punishment. https://centerforparentingeducation.org

馃摉 APA Citation

Dennis, S. (n.d.). What’s the problem with bribes? College Dean of Education and Human Development, BYU–Idaho.



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